ADDICTED TO MYSELF DECEMBER 11th 2023

“It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it.”

―Lou Holtz

THE RANT: ADDICTED TO MYSELF

This title may not be what you think. I am addicted to myself but not in a positive way. I am addicted to my sadness, to my emotional loneliness, to beating myself up, to being alone (not away from my son though).

I feel like the world and people have attacked me for not ever being enough. Whether not pretty enough (yes I have been through this like the first half of my life and the hurt and pain easily gets triggered even today). I was bullied for not being latin enough. I had even people in middle school and high school tell me I am pathetic. My mother made me feel not enough in many ways. I wasn’t even allowed to cry without her making me feel stupid. “Why are you crying?!” “Why are you like this?!” Even today I cry and hate the world and blame the world but then end with “why are you like this?!”

I’m kinda in my shell these days. This guy at the bar came up to me and told me to take off my glasses because I look ugly in them. I brushed it off and wrote him later and expressed how disrespectful that was. He messaged back how it was a joke but still, how is that even funny? Especially right now, I am going through a really down time and that was definitely something I didn’t need to hear. Now I just don’t want to socialize with anyone. Why would someone joke about that? Reminded me when I was in middle school and this guy named Chris, who I had a huge crush on, said eww to my face. THAT wasn’t a joke but that memory and those feelings came back.

I’m 35 years old and I Still think about this. I still feel this. DOn’t get me wrong, I do get my moments I feel like a goddess but last two year, definitely lost my spark. I tried the “fake it til you make it” bull, but that doesn’t work. If anything, I feel worse… I feel like I am trying too hard. And for what? For this world? This world is just terrible. And when I feel like I am doing something right, it gets bashed in my face like I was wrong. Like, I like being a nice person. But everyone’s perspective on everything just makes me want to be a mean evil person.

I feel like I don’t fit in this world. I can have mean and evil sides but I see so much anger around me, even my husband and friend, recently talked about revenge, which was weird because it was like a day apart they talked about personal revenge on things I felt were not worth it. Aren’t other parts of that story more important than that? They are both Taurus so I don’t know if that’s a trait. My point of them two is, the thought process. It’s frustrating sometimes to think so differently about situations and try to challenge them but it makes sense to them and my point makes sense to me and I don’t get why they don’t see that. Then it just makes me sad. I get sad and then I get mad that I just don’t get it. I’m not meant for here, I don’t know. I’m probably not making sense…

EVen the movie BARBIE! Like, I think so different… I didn’t leave that movie feeling empowered… I left knowing this movie confirmed what all us women feel like and not enough… but the movie ends happy but that’s not reality for me. Maybe that’s why I hated it. I am never fucking happy. I am addicted to my sadness. And my sadness is me. Sadness and kindness. Anyways…
LOST SOUL I AM…

***SCROLL DOWN FOR REPLIES AND THOUGHTS***

MUSIC

Just really love this song and lyrics: “Leaving one city for another making me feel sick To the stomach but sick in a good way Cos I’m pushing myself to be more outrageous and I’m on my way to find it.”

MOVIES AND SHOWS

Godzilla Minus One 2023 (In Theaters) * * * * * * * * * (etc)
ACTION SCI-FI (subtitled)
Movie ended in tears and loud applause! Such a fantastically made movie. The story was great and emotionally investing. The godzilla scenes were awesome! Loved it!

All the Light We Cannot See 2023 (Netflix) * * * * *
Drama
This was a great series. Takes place during world war 2 and the German’s are on the search for this blind girl that is on the radio.

Blue Beetle 2023 (MAX) * * * *
Sci-Fi Action
I think this movie didn’t do well but me and my teenage son enjoyed it. We thought it was funny. George Lopez definitely helped haha.

May December 2023 (Netflix) * * *
Romance Drama
So this movie is based on the true story of Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau. She slept with a minor, got pregnant, went to jail, and then they got married and had kids. In this movie, Natalie Portman, a famous actress in the movie, stays with this controversial family because she is about to make an independant movie about their lives. It was kinda weird lol, but interesting.

Goosebumps 2023 (Disney+) * * * * *
Horror
I grew up on Goosebumps books so I was excited about this. I used to have a couple movies back in the day as well. I thought this series would be like, each episode is different and based off a book. BUT! Instead, they made a bigger story that integrated multiple books. It was a neat take on it. We both enjoyed it. I thought it was a great teenage horror thriller series. Hope to see another season.

Pain Hustlers 2023 (Netflix) * * * *
Crime Thriller
I felt this was more of a drama, which I like dramas. Mother needs to make money for her and her daughter. She joins a pharma company that isn’t doing well. Her and her colleague start scheming and make a lot of money but things go too far… it was a good movie.

Family Switch 2023 (Netflix) * * * *
Comedy
This is a fun family movie. Watched it with my teenage son and I think he hates to admit that he liked it haha. Has that freaky friday feel to it. Cringe moments, fun.

Suits 2023 (Netflix) * * * *
Drama
show about a law firm… I didn’t think I would like but the story reeled me in for sure. And once you get to know the characters, even better.

Leo 2023 (Netflix) * *
Comedy and MUSICAL!
We didn’t know it was a musical… we watched most of it but really didn’t care for the singing. We had maybe 15 minutes left of movie and decided we were sure ended happy lol. Meh..

Love Has Won: the cult of mother god 2023 (MAX) * * * * *
Documentary
This is one of those “what the fuck?” type of docu series. Honestly, just watch it. I went into it not knowing anything. It’s really interesting. People are interesting lol.

Some shows I recommend if you have nothing to watch: Doom Patrol

HEALTH AND WELL-BEING

All I am going to ask is what are all you ladies taking for thinning hair?! haha

MONTHLY SHOUT OUT

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NOSTALGIA

What are some good old holiday movies? Message me below

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